Dear Self, Thankyou

 Dear self,

Thanks for being so passionate pouring all your love in your job, although sometimes there's still 'Why am I even here?" question in your head.

Thanks for always remain calm although you still have that raging fire in your heart and having the urge to punch someone.

Thanks for your compassionate thought and action.

Thanks for your strong risilience.

Thanks for your your natural alarm that always keeping us aware with our physical and mental health.

Thanks for always be kind.

Thanks for make us believe that all emotions are valid.

Thanks for letting us fight together thru thick and thin.

I have a lot to be thankful for. 

But, thankyou...

Sincerely, Me.

Just feel what you need to feel

 Have you ever felt empty inside? I feel exhausted and having too much things to be done but in fact I'm just get things done as it is. Nothing's special, I don't expect too much but ended up "Why am i doing this for?", "Do I really need to get this things done this way?"

I'm questioning so many things in life. sometimes I cried myself to sleep. I couldn't say that I'm always okay. I'm the kind of person who always remain calm outside but actually I'm burning inside. I cannot spontaneously express my feelings and sometimes it is sucked.

I put other's feeling more than myself. I barely cannot express my anger or sadness. When someone dissapoint me I just made some space for a while, hoping that time would help me to healed. Lately I found that actually time never heal, but at least time will help us cope with the situation and make us ready to accept life as it is.

I watched Inside Out 2 a while ago. It's one of my favorite animated movie. It made me realized that all emotions are valid. It's okay to feel anxious, angry, sad, embarrassed. Don't ever try to shut it down. The more we try to push it down, the more stress we get.

Anger is not something that we should avoid. It's purely make us a human being. Find more way to help us cope with anger. If you feel like you want to punch someone, maybe you can try to join combat sport, at least you will learn to punch your opponent with professional skills (and in a sportmanship way) LOL, it can burn calories too.

Lately I consider myself to join drum class, Should I? but no. LOL  

Cheers to this angry girl, M.

I'm starting over

 Hi there! 

It's been really a while.

Gosh I miss my blog so much. So it's like I'm starting over again. I just found myself really need to express my feelings thru journaling.

So many things happended. I just hit 30s era last year, and things were not easy. I felt some self doubt, anxiety, dissapointment. I'm having health issue too and ended up having a surgery. Surprise!!

I'll tell you later about my health journey in 2024. It was kinda surprising but yeah I think that's just the way it is. It's always seem to be impossible until it's done. I thank God for having such a big force and huge supports from my close friends, family. 

Never had I imagined that now I'm living in Ambarawa again. LOL. Being 'anak kos' in my 30s is kinda exciting yet (sometimes) boring tho'. But it's for a good reason, I'm prioritizing my health now. Throwing back on the last 2 years that I've been commuting from my house to my workplace by motorcycle and it spent at least an hour, whoaa I think I as I grow older I need to prioritize my back too LOL It's kinda tiring and energy draining.

Ambarawa is quite a nice place and having slow living vibes. It's quite near from my workplace too. and most importantly I have a place to give myself some rest now. I learn that when your body and mind is giving you a 'signal', then you need to rest. Don't push yourself too hard. Currently I really enjoy this new place, sometimes I'm having outdoor walk as my excercise. at least I feel realize now that I should be more concern with myself, loving myself more and don't forget to be more mindful.

So that's all some intros LOL I hope I could be more consistant to write my journey here.

See you

Let's call it a normal grown-up life

Hello there! OMG It's been 2 years since the last time I posted something here. 

The last time I wrote here was about complaining my job and things were really difficult at that time, but guess what? Things got more seriously depressing after that. LOL 2022 was something big for me that I was thinking about giving up. Never had I imagine that I would be treaten unfairly. 

Long story short, I've been moved to new place and there were so much dramas behind it. It was so complicated. Maybe here in in Indonesia you often hear about how people keep complaining about working in such a broken government's field and I could say that it's sure a real thing. Many people think government job is peaceful and you will have security for life time. Everyone craves for it. Well, my parents said so, but after working for almost 4 years in government field I could say that It's not what it really looks like. There're so many conflict of interests and sometimes politics are taking a place behind it. It makes me sick most of the time. I can't tell the whole story here, but for me this was a life-changing experience in my life. ever! It's like something I've never deal with before. 

Seputar Pekerjaan (part 2)

 Adakah diantara kalian yang mute grup whatsapp seputar kerjaan? Hide last seen atau hide status kalian dari temen kerja? LOL Because I did. 

Kadang memang menjengkelkan sih ketika kita udah sampai di rumah, pengen istirahat tapi masih diburu dengan kerjaan. Boss yang sering telpon kapanpun dan dimanapun. Hadehhhh 

Hidup ngga untuk kerja terus, kan? Entah kenapa sumber stressku yang utama selama 2 tahun terakhir ini adalah seputar pekerjaan. Sejujurnya masih agak sulit membiasakan diri dengan lingkungan kerja yang 'begini amat'. But let's be real, who doesn't need money? Mau se-ngeselin apapun boss ataupun teman kerja kita toh akhirnya kerjaan tetep dikerjain juga (meskipun kadang sambil ngomel-ngomel sendiri).

One step at a time

 I've realized that currently I've been so busy and in a hurry. It's related to job thingy tho'.

Basically I think I’m not supposed to be a multitasking person. I can’t be. But my job force me to be a super multitasking person. Sometimes when I forced myself to work overtime or taking 2 or 3 project at a time, I feel so tired yet stressed.

I know it’s annoying to have a perfectionist yet talkative boss LOLs. I’m always on call. Sometimes when my boss call me when I’ve already reached home and ask me about job thingy I feel like… uhh what time is it? not again T.T seeing my boss name on my cellphone screen sometimes make me take a deep breath for a while. Does anyone feel the same way?

Is being too hopeful in life a bad thing?

 People said anything too much in life is a bad thing. 

How about being too hopeful? Is it okay? Sometimes I feel like I'm being too positive or too optimistic. Is it wrong?

Now I think that hope is a necessity. We need to be hopeful to motivate ourselves. When we became too positive somehow when we face a failure we're not ready enough to cope up with failure. It can make us blind and mindless.

I think we need to keep an open mind to anything.

Keep growing.

M

2020, a short contemplation

 Merry Christmas! for those who celebrate. The joy, peace, and health always be yours.

Well 2020's been so uncertain and confusing. Regardless the Covid 19 pandemic, it's been a roller coaster for me. This is the year where I took so much concern about self love, self acceptance, and learning more and more about new things. 

This year I've been reduced the use of social medias. Never been easy because let's be real who can live without internet and social medias? But now I think I'm getting used to it. I don't really expose my personal life on social media. I don't think it's important enough (for me) to have a clear and neat feeds on instagram now. because.. you do you!

How pets help us cope the stress

 

 My little cat, Orenji

Hi guys, have you got any pet? Is it dog? cat? hamster? guinea pig? umm snake? XD  My favorites are cat and dog. I used to randomly scrolling over cat or dog on pinterest when I feel bored. Seeing cute animals is one of my way to reduce stress or anxiety. When I feel tired after work, seeing my cats are such a pleasing yet relaxing. Touch them, rub their fur, hear them meoww-ing and purring. Such a simply happiness. I have 2 cats, anyways.

Why do I keep blaming society?

 

Hey guys, have you ever felt burned out, stressed or stuck? Then you keep blaming the situation and society again and again?

I personally been in this condition, and still figure out how to untangle the issues. There are so many obstacles get in the way. Sometimes when I felt tired and mentally unstable I just had a tendency to blame the situation. Why did this happen to me? What was my fault? Why my office mate were so annoying? Why our society's been so irritating? Why my family and relatives keep asking me when will I get married? Is married the only way to solve the problems? I hate it when people keep asking me this question, I dunno why people have this kind of stereotype. I know being a single in my 26 is such a taboo for the society around me. hmmm I haven't find the one, and I think everyone have their own timeline. Is it wrong if I'm still single? They keep judging as if they know how my journey was. Well that was one of my current random feeling.

Developing Authenticity (inspired by Isyana Sarasvati-Unlock the Key)

3 weeks ago Isyana Sarasvati, one of my favorite singer just launched her new single entitled Unlock the Key. Boom! Wah gila sih! If you haven't heard it, you can check it bellow

youtube link [click]

Well, I know everyone have their own music genre's preferences . I'm not gonna force you to like that song. Actually since last year Isyana already shown her true color. She is trying to be honest with herself and putting all her energy thru music. Now she is showing her authenticity. 

Is Social Media toxic?

picture is from here

 

 

Why today's social media is too addictive yet toxic?

What is toxic, anyway?

Instagram is one of  the huge social media platform. Honestly, I've been deleted my instagram app on my cell phone back in June. I still check my instagram but in web version which the interface is not that good, comparing to app's version. I checked my instagram just 1-2 times daily, which  I think it is such a big achievement because previously I used to check my instagram feeds, stories .. how many times in a day? well even it is countless LOL.